


phantom pain

by heyyarie



Category: 2NE1, Big Bang (Band)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-05
Updated: 2020-11-05
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:14:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27401812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heyyarie/pseuds/heyyarie
Summary: According to Park Dara, a Jiyong is a man that we will never get over with.
Relationships: Kwon Jiyong | G-Dragon/Park Sandara | Dara
Comments: 1
Kudos: 5





	phantom pain

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired from: "No Labels, No Drama Right?" and the "Jiyong" in my life. I posted this first on my aff account under the username: yoontroducing last December 27, 2018.

"My _Jiyong_ is dating someone already" Bom told me in a nonchalant way as she plopped on my bed. 

"Your Jiyong?" I repeated after her, surprised to hear the guy's name first time in months.

"My Jiyong" Bom casually replied, "I told you about him, Seunghyun, the tall weird guy" she continued describing him but nothing comes into my mind. "You know, bubble gum hair?" And I finally remembered who she was talking about. 

Choi Seunghyun, he was a couple of years ahead of us and he was even on another department. A department that is on the other side of the school. If you're wondering how we met him, the answer is simple, college party. Even with the loud music surrounding them, Bom and Seunghyun was able to click with the help of a few shots of alcohol.

"So... What are you going to do about it? With your _"Jiyong"_?" With just a simple name— it has become an inside joke within our group of friends. A term we used to describe a guy who is stuck between being a boyfriend and a bestfriend. A wall that we will never be able to conquer. A cliff that we would've jumped if given the chance. 

I first met Jiyong when we first moved into Seoul. I was a 9 year old girl with a thick Busan accent and he was the son that was forced to show the new girl around. His mother assigned him to take care of me. I knew that I was a load suddenly dumped into his shoulder, like a last minute homework given by your teacher right before summer break. Despite his cranky appearance, he took care of me. 

He walked me towards my classroom during my first day of school although he kept his distance. 

"Here it is" he shoved his hands into his pocket, clearly telling me that he is getting impatient. I nodded my head before uttering 'thank you'. 

We were neighbors but we weren't really close. He wasn't the boy next door type and I wasn't the exactly a girl next door. I preferred staying at home during weekdays to read some books while he'd go out with his friends to play some games. Being neighbors, I've grown accustomed to his weekend schedule. It was a cycle that I was able to witness through my balcony. The way he carelessly opens their gate as he ride his bike out would distract me from reading and the way his friends would bid him goodbye would also be the same time, I'd say goodbye to the book I was reading. Despite studying at the same school and being neighbors, we weren't exactly friends. We knew each other's name and that was that.

Ironic how his name would still affect me now even though we haven't seen each other for years. 

\--

Our next conversation would be at the book shop, summer before our last year in high school. I was still the girl who would choose to read during her weekends and surprisingly, he became the guy who works part time in a book shop even though he knows nothing about books. 

"I didn't know you enjoy reading" it was his first words to me after years of not interacting with one another. I turned to look at him, and noticed how different his treatment now to me than it was years ago. I still see myself as an obligation he needs to tend to. Only this time, I wasn't this new girl from the province but a customer that he needs to tend to. 

"Well we weren't exactly friends" I replied as I continued scanning the racks for some books that I could hoard. After all, summer is a long time and I'm not really fond of outdoor activities. My answer must've caught him off guard since he was frozen at his spot. I wasn't being rude to him for I was stating the fact. 

Throughout middle school, we had different groups of friends and our groups of friends wouldn't overlap with each other. He belonged to a big group and everyone practically knows him while I'm cooped up with my small group of friends. 

"Well we could be friends now" he stated. 

"Why now?" How I wished my mouth had its filter on during that time. It wasn't that I hate him and I don't dislike Jiyong. I just find it odd that he suddenly wants to become friends with me all of a sudden. My question caught him off guard once again but his answer did the same.

"Why not?" he shrugged his shoulders as he shoved his hands inside his pocket. 

\--

"You're here again" 

"And you're still not fired" I retorted back although I had to stop myself from smiling. It has become our little thing. Every time I would visit the book shop we'd greet each other like that. He'd follow me around like a lost puppy as I continue to shot him down with my sarcastic remarks. 

I wasn't even into the far off corner of the shop when my eyes caught something. 

"They released a new cover?" I said to no one in particular but Jiyong, being the man he is, took the opportunity to strike up a conversation with me. 

"You mean the wizard series?" he asked, although I knew he wasn't interested with the Harry Potter franchise. I lifted the first book, Harry Potter and the Sorceror's Stone, and I can't help but feel excited. Despite having finished reading the series, seeing the newly released ones especially with a new cover makes me want to read them again. 

"I don't understand" Jiyong muttered. He was leaning against a bookshelf with his arms crossed in front of his chest. 

"Understand what?" I continued scanning the Harry Potter books and my inner Potterhead shall be contained. The fangirling should be inside my little sanctuary only, my room. Since my relationship with Jiyong isn't that deep, the man doesn't deserve to see me in my hyped Harry Potter state. 

"The hype about Harold" 

I turned to look at him and had to stop myself from scoffing. 

"Harold?" I repeated after him and he must've realized that I was upset. He raised his hands on defense. 

"It's not my fault that I'm not a fan of... that" he pointed to the series displayed right in front of us. I had to stop myself from ripping his hair out. How could this man not know Harry Potter? Even nonfans know of his existence, how could he not know him?

In my frustration, I grabbed him by the shoulder. 

"Stop by my house after your shift" 

\--

Wrapped in a clear plastic cover was my copy of the first book in the Harry Potter series. I kept glancing at the clock wondering when will Jiyong would finish his shift. 

"You waiting for someone?" My younger brother Sanghyun asked me. I absent mindedly nodded my head since I'm getting quite impatient already. 

I almost bolted out of my seat when I heard the doorbell ring. Sanghyun gave me an odd look as I passed by him, the book still in my head. 

"So-"

I didn't even let Jiyong finish his sentence as I practically shoved the book in front of his.

"Read"

"But I do-"

"I don't care. Read" I firmly told him as he confusingly took the book out of my head. He scanned the pages with an unreadable look on his face. 

"I don't-"

"Take care of it" I looked at him in the eye trying to send the message that if the book was returned in a bad state, he'll be the one ending up in a bad state. 

"But I really-" 

"I don't care" I lifted my hands in the air. "You need to know who Harry is and not some Harold" I was clearly upset and seeing him looking at me with a stupid grin on his face clearly messed with my temper.

"What's funny?" 

"Cause the way you're acting right now is like Hermione" 

"What do you mean acting like Herm-" When I finally realized he said Hermione's name. I was bewildered and confused. 

He lightly tapped the book on my head. 

"We're neighbors and you don't know much about me" 

"But you don't even kno-" His reply caught me off guard. 

"I know you read Harry Potter. Every start of summer break. You may not always see me but I always see you whenever you read at your balcony" 

\--

That has been our last conversation for the summer since I had to accompany my mother to Busan since my grandmother was sick. I stayed there throughout my summer break and haven't heard a thing from Jiyong. It wasn't his fault though, we don't really have each other's number and it was unlikely that he'll contact me after our last conversation. 

The next time we talked was during the Halloween party hosted Lee Seungri, an overly hyper kid in our year. Everyone was invited and even though I'd rather read a book for the night, my friend Chaerin forced me to come. After all, it was our last year as highschool students. 

So I arrived the party wearing my Hogwarts uniform with my Gryffindor neck tie. It took a few chit chat with other students from our year before I bumped to Jiyong. He was dressed up as Dracula complete with the fangs and he looked good especially with his hair messily styled. 

"Back from Hogwarts, I see" he commented before sipping onto his drink. I rolled my eyes at his comment before I retorted back. 

"Well good thing you haven't died yet" And he flashed me again with one of his stupid grins. But after months of not seeing him do it, it felt weird. It wasn't as stupid as it was back then. He looked good and kinda hot. Maybe it was just because of the costume or maybe it was because of the drink. 

He offered to dance with him and seeing that Chaerin or my other friends wasn't around I accepted his offer. 

With loud blaring music at the background and the strobe lights flashing around us, we shared our first kiss. It wasn't what I expected. I thought it was going to be sweet but it ended up tasting like alcohol and a hint of cigarrate. 

\--

We stayed in touch throughout the year but it was hard since we weren't classmates. We only get to talk during weekends. We'd discuss almost anything possible under the sun. 

"So are you going to Seungri's party?" he messaged me in Kakaotalk one night. Seungri was throwing another party after exams and (un)luckily I will not be going. 

"Nope"

A few seconds later, I received a reply from him which was odd since we rarely talk in Kakao. 

"Why? T^T" I laughed softly seeing his reply accompanied with the 'T^T' emoji. It was so unlike him but I told him the reason. My mother and I are going to visit my grandmother again for the weekend. 

"Where is your house in Busan?" I find it odd that he was curious about our house in Busan. I debated whether I should answer him or not but knowing Kwon Jiyong, he would just pester me until I answer him so I told him where our house is near. 

His next reply came half an hour later. I was folding the laundry when I read his reply. 

"Where exactly?" Now his curiosity got me curious too. Why was he suddenly interested? I would be lying if I didn't felt something on my chest. It was the first time that the opposite sex is curious about me. About my life outside school, outside Seoul even. 

"Why are you even asking?" 

"Well, I'm looking for it in Google Satellites. Checking if the place is worth skipping Seungri's party" 

\--

When I came back, Jiyong invited me for a cup of coffee. It was awkward but at the same time comforting. There was a tickling feeling inside of my stomach that I couldn't put my finger on it. 

"I missed you" he suddenly blurted out making the tickling feeling explode. Thank god, I wasn't drinking my coffee or I would've splattered it everywhere. 

Unknowingly and unconsciously, my reply to him made him smile. 

"I missed you too"

And in that moment, I realized that I wanted to make Kwon Jiyong smile. 

\--

After highschool graduation, I rarely got the chance to talk to Jiyong face to face since I went back to Busan to be with my grandmother. We stayed in touch. He became my escape from the loneliness I was feeling when I was in Busan. 

Everytime his name popped up on my phone, my heart would always skip a beat. Butterflies were flying all around my stomach and I would even dropped everything I was doing just so I could reply to him. 

Still, even though we were acting like a couple, we weren't one. We were people who could talk about anything but never talk about us. We connected with each but wary of actually connecting with each other. Maybe it was because we're not really seeing each other that's why we're like this. Maybe Jiyong was one of the boys who doesn't want a relationship. Maybe... It was all just in my head. A wishful thinking made by my foolish heart. 

\--

The next time we saw each other was when I came back from Busan, a week before school started. It was weird that he hugged me the moment he saw me but I would be lying if I said that I didn't like it. I knew deep within me that we wouldn't get any deeper than this. It has became a cycle between us. So I told myself that this would be the last time that I would let Jiyong to be like this. That I would let us be like this. I decided to leave Kwon Jiyong behind. 

But he wouldn't let me. It was as if he knew that I would be leaving him but he'd always manage to reel me back in. Yet, after reeling me back in, he will be the one who will leave. Whenever I felt like he was out of my life, I would suddenly get a "how are you?" text from him or he'd leave a comment on my instagram stories. 

I was at fault also. I wouldn't let myself to really walk away from him. Maybe, I was still hoping that we'll be more than this. I accepted him again and again without even knowing that he already had a spot on my heart. And that whenever he leaves, he'll be taking a piece of it without me knowing. 

His affection has became my aphrodisiac. I crave for his comforting words whenever I'm down. I was filled with his supporting words despite we're studying at different schools. 

\--

I told myself that our setup was fine. Maybe we were better off as friends so we wouldn't be able to hurt each other. Albeit, there was a part of me who wanted answers. I wanted to know where I stand. One of his flings? friends? hoes? That side got the best of me so when we meet on another party hosted by Seungri, I mustered up all the courage to ask him. 

"What are we?" 

I asked him but he didn't answer me verbally. He answered me with his gestures. A smile. A hold in my hand. A kiss. 

I went home with a heavy lump on my throat. My eyes were stinging but no tears were coming out. It was when I settled myself on my bed when all the tears were poured out on my pillow. 

\--

The following week, I saw him when we were packing things. We were leaving the house after my father decided to totally leave our family. It was funny how it became a part of my life where men casually enters and leave me all of a sudden. 

I was carrying my box of books when I saw him waiting in our front lawn. 

"You're moving? Where?" he asked and I could see the panic on his eyes. Was it because I'll be going away? Was it because he's losing his friend? Or maybe it was because his safety net wouldn't be around anymore? 

Ever since our first kissed, we would often have late night rendezvous. I'd spill out my thoughts and insecurities to him on some nights. And other nights, he'd fill himself with pleasure. Never have we been brave enough to talk about ourselves. Our status. 

\--

Now months have passed and I'm still wondering what if we were together? Maybe I was still hook up with the idea of us. Of me and Jiyong together. If one of us have been brave to cross the line, would we be a couple right now? 

Perhaps we were contented with our hookups. We were both avoiding putting a label on our relationship scared that we would be jeopardizing something that we were both contented with. Throwing the labels away meant burying genuine emotions. 

\--

When Chaerin found out my messed up set up with Jiyong, she concluded that maybe I do not really have feelings for him. That I only have feelings towards my idea of him. The idea of us together. 

In that moment, I wondered if Chaerin was right. That maybe I was only in love with the summer Jiyong. My feelings for him was stuck in the past and that the pleasure I was getting just clouded what I really wanted from him. Still, he would manage to sneak in to my thoughts. 

After all, most people aren't going steady nowadays. They'd like to keep their options open. Going steady has became a hassle for people. We became more controlling on our feelings. Suppressing it is easier than facing it.

But am I really in control of what I feel when I'm stuck with the same guy for years? 

Are my options really open when I'm still hoping for the possibility of us? 

So while I asked myself with this what if's, I couldn't help but feel frustrated at myself for not admitting how I really felt. I couldn't really blame Jiyong for not figuring out that I wanted more. Maybe we were both at fault. Maybe no one is at fault. We weren't really together. I have no justification for my feelings and he has no obligation to acknowledge them. 

We were cowards for not labelling our relationship yet we venture ourselves into some hybrid of them. By not calling someone as yours, he becomes something else. Something that you wouldn't be able to define making what you have together as intangible. If it's intangible it can never end because officially there's nothing to end. And if it never ends, there's no real closure, no opportunity to move on. 

Instead, we spend our emotional energy on someone we’ve built up and convinced ourselves we need. We fixate on a person who may not be right for us simply because he never wronged us. Because without a label, he never really had the chance.

\--

When I told Bom about my story with Jiyong she told me something that surprised me. 

“You know what Jiyong is,” she said. “You practically dubbed the term. He’s the guy we never really dated and never really got over.”

Most people I know have a Jiyong in their lives, someone whose consequence a label can’t capture. In years past, maybe back when people went steady, he may have been the one who got away. For my generation, though, he’s often the one we never had in the first place. Yet he’s still the one for whom we would happily trade all the booty calls, hookups and swiping right. He’s still the one we hope, against all odds, might be The One.

But until we’re brave enough to find out for sure, there’s life to keep living. Until he can be labeled ours, just calling him _Jiyong_ will have to do. 

**Author's Note:**

> So this is it! The last part is from a nonfiction essay entitled "No Labels, No Drama Right?" and I was inspired to write because of it. Some parts of this story was based on my "Jiyong" too. So now that it's done, what do you think? Hope that you enjoy it! Leave some love!!! You can also be my moot on twitter @heyyarie!!!


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